I’m struggling.

I’m writing here because there’s nowhere else I could possibly share this. No one has any idea what I’m going through right now. Once more, I’m keeping this from my family and my friends, even from my doctor. I don’t know, maybe I’m just hoping it’ll go away, that I’m just going through a bad phase, and it’ll last just a couple of days. But I’ve been hoping this for months now. It’s been nearly four months, and I’m starting to realize it won’t just go away. And it’s not a matter of days or weeks. I’ve fallen into another pit. And I’m still falling. And falling. And falling. And, dear freaking God, I wonder, just how deep will the bottom be this time? 

You see, when you’ve lived with this for almost fourteen years, you’d think you’d get used to it. And, in a way, you have. Or I have. You get used to the daily limitations your depression gives you. You get used to shutting yourself out. You get used to faking smiles, laughs, (it’s faking until you make it, except you never do), you get used to not being able to breathe. You get used to not getting pleasure from anything. You get used to tasteless foods. You get used to self-loathing. You get used to thinking about killing yourself, all the time. Because, really, that’s no way to live. 

It’s exhausting. Faking. All. The. Flipping. Time. The pain is excruciating. And no one really gets it. You pull away from your friends, because you’re in so much pain, and you can’t tell anyone, because they just don’t understand. They want you to try harder. They want you to fight longer. They want you to *do* something, as if you haven’t been for over a decade (when you’ve only been living for 24 years). 

You can’t talk to anyone, because there isn’t much to say. It’s not like you broke up with your boyfriend or had a fight with your mom. It’s not like you’re having issues that can be solved. It’s the same thing, over and over and over again, and even though there are people that will say, “I’m always here for you if you need me.” and you want to believe them, you know that if you actually went to them *every time*, they wouldn’t want to put up with you. 

Because the pain has taken over your life again. The bad days have become more and more constant and have outnumbered the good ones. It’s so rare for you to be okay, or even normal, you dread people asking “How are you?” because you want to shout to the world just how not okay you’ve been. Because you’re so sick of it. So. Fucking. Sick. 

But you don’t. Because people can’t even see you’re sick. You have a mood disorder, you see, and since it’s an “invisible illness” most people don’t take it seriously. Won’t take it into consideration. They think it’s so easy to snap out of it. It’s not like you have cancer, right? (If I had a penny…) 

I don’t know what to do about this suffocating pain anymore. My last crisis lasted two years. Two whole initerrupted years. I don’t know if I can live like this for two years again. You must be thinking, what’s two years for someone who’s lived like this for fourteen, right? But that’s just it. It’s two MORE. It just tells me it’s never going to end. I’ve been on different meds. I’ve been to therapy. I’ve done everyfreakingthing I could think of. And it comes and goes. I’m never getting rid of this. EVER. 

And you know what sucks the most? I have a pretty okay life. I mean, sometimes I feel like a failure like everyone, and sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough with it, but it’s not bad. I have a lot of wonderful people in it. I just… not all the external circumstances matter when it’s so hard to live with the inside of me. I think of killing myself every day once again. And I’m scared this time I could actually do it. 

And I don’t know who to go for help.

And I know, no one reads this, but it’s a safe place to vent, it’s anonymous, no one knows who I am. 

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13 thoughts on “I’m struggling.

  1. While I was reading this, I felt lost for words because its so relatable. You’re not alone, and I know I’m a stranger but blogging helped me to vent in a way where I finally felt heard. I know how depression is an “invisible illness” but we can still reach out for help – people do disappoint but sometimes they surprise us as well. I genuinely hope you feel better and most importantly I hope you feel “heard” =)

    It’s not an invisible illness to people like me. Sending warm regards =)

    • I did feel heard. I could never have imagined that by the time I woke up today I would have found such an outpouring of love from complete strangers. I thought I’d come here to an empty page. I felt touched, heard, and understood. Thank you so much.

      Reaching out for help is the hardest part for me — I’m never sure what’s the boundary between letting your friend know you’re hurting and you need them and between being needy. I never know where’s the fine line between being honest with your doctor and making sure I don’t get committed for being suicidal. Know what I mean?

      Thank you so much for your comment. Truly meant a lot to me!

      • I know what yr saying =) but at the end of the day we all need someone to help us and that doesn’t make you needy, it just means that in a way you are taking care of yourself =)

        Let people in, even if it’s through this blog. It’ll help with catharsis especially because it’s among people who truly understand ❤

  2. If you have a good psych or therapist, you start by turning to them. If you’re too nervous or scared to take that step, turn to your mom or dad or both. Someone who has been there all along to help you through this. It’s OK to reach out, nobody with or without bipolar is always going to be fine all the time. & if it helps (what I kind of do) think of your child or someone who is close to you having a difficult time they know they can’t handle just themselves, wouldn’t you want them to come to you? Or see them reach for help with psychs or therapists? As you wouldn’t wish your loved ones to live in misery, you shouldn’t think you have to. Being strong is saying, “Hey shit’s not right, I need a little help.” — you’re choosing to save yourself. I recently had to reach out and it’s in my latest post I wrote yesterday. 🙂

    • You know, I *know* you’re right, but reaching out to my parents is very hard. Firstly because they don’t quite understand what’s going on with me — my mother knows, but doesn’t realize how serious it is, and my father doesn’t know — and secondly, because my Aunt died of a mental illness — she was Bordeline and eventually took her life. I’m very worried I’d just stress and concern them, or that they’d have me committed.

      I’m very scared to share because so very few people understand.

  3. I read this. And there are many of us/you/them out there expressing ourselves to try and heal, move forward, stand still, or just plain survive. You seem to be asking who to go to for help. I think you already know the answer to this. And the great thing about the Internet…well, you already know this, is that you can find anonymous help everywhere. And you are not alone. Just browse Bipolar or Depression on the WordPress Reader. Keep writing. Don’t give up.

    • That’s what I do: I write. Sometimes, I do it anonymously. Sometimes, I do it to myself. Sometimes, I’ll even show it to someone. It seems to be the way I’ve found to express myself I’m most comfortable with. Of course, at times I really want to *talk*, but I can live with writing. I’m sure anyone who reads my writing will know me much more and deeper than someone who just talks to me.

      Thank you so much for your comment. It means a lot to me.

  4. I just read this and am in tears. I am actually 34 years old with too many things in my life that don’t match. Before it was just clinical depression…now stress, anxiety, withdrawal & trust issues combined overwhelm my soul. Ironically I believe in God, but don’t feel adequate for his love.

    Sometimes these trials aren’t just a mental illness, there extenuating problems that are hard to rehash or mention.

    I once found solace in prayer, but even that seems sadistic at this point. I know what it is to be scared to live AND scared to die out of fear of hell. I just feel numb.

    • Dear Unpoken, I just saw your post today. I’m sorry for not having replied to it sooner. Sometimes, I tend to withdraw even from my online journal. I don’t even feel like coming around here.

      Like you, I also believe in God — or rather, a stronger form of energy than us, mere humans — and I have to politely disagree that you’d, somehow, not be worthy of God’s love. The God I believe in doesn’t judge. He is Almighty. He sees all, hears all, knows all, more than we can possibly comprehend. I believe that, as humans, we’re here to learn and evolve, and in that condition, we’re allowed to make mistakes — that’s how we learn after all, and God would know that. He loves us above all.

      I think if prayer comforts you, then you should take that on again. It never quite did me, but I know it works for some people. I was never a religous person, and what does comfort me is my belief in growing and learning through living and challenges.

  5. I have suffered severe depressive disorders, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and insomnia for long. I’ve tried using Cymbalta, Paxil, and Effexor. Most recently, my doctor prescribed Prozac, Ambien, Abilify, and Xanax. This combination seems to are effective, although I still have severe insomnia anymore. I’m hoping he are able to recommend some thing in combination with the Ambien or improve the dosage; often, the symptoms and signs have considerably lowered for me.
    This site assist me too much http://www.about-depression.net/what-is-good-for-depression/

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